10 Ways to Alleviate Feelings of Shame
What is shame?
Shame carries an emotional undertone of “being a bad person” or a belief that, “I am inherently flawed.” There is often an impulse to want to hide, shrink, disappear, or be secretive. For me, shame carries a very heavy, dark quality that I sense in my lower abdomen often accompanied by feelings of disgust, inadequacy and low self worth. Yes, I have those days too. Hmmm, maybe something is wrong with me? (I literally just had this thought….enter shame.)
Difference between shame and guilt?
Guilt is more about feeling bad about a behavior. “I feel bad for missing work today.” “I feel bad for stealing my neighbor’s newspaper.”
Shame is the internalization feeling that, “I’m a bad person.” “Something is just wrong with me.” “I’m flawed.”
Indicators you are experiencing shame:
Thoughts:
I am nothing. (worthless, invisible, empty, insignificant).
I am defective. (damaged, broken, a mistake, flawed).
I am inadequate. (useless, incompetent, not enough).
I am dirty (soiled, impure, disgusting).
Feelings:
Exposed
Ashamed
Disgust
Humiliated
Anger
Blame
Repulsion
(Behaviors) Impulses to :
Hide
Lie
Keep Secrets
Isolate
Disappear
Become invisible
Avoid eye contact
Look down
10 Ways to Work Through Shame
Build awareness to recognize shame in the moment.
This takes practice. You think you are the only one who can’t identify feelings, wrong! Even as a therapist, I still struggle. It take practice (time), curiousity (we can’t truly observe what we are too busy condemning,) courage (going towards unpleasant feelings.) Begin a practice of self-study.
2. PAUSE and befriend your experience. Ask yourself questions.
What am I observing in this moment?
Where to do notice a presence of sensation in my body?
What part of my body feels positive or neutral right now?
What is the story?
What is the origin of your present moment experience?
3. “Name It to Tame It.”
Say it out load to yourself or to a trust support. “I am feeling ashamed right now because I cheated on my ex.”
4. UNCOUPLE your behavior from who you are.
We all act out of integrity at times. Remind yourself that EVERYONE MAKES MISTAKES.
5. Challenge shame-based thinking.
Find examples of when you were a good friend, when you did have your shit together, when you were kind to someone.
6. Write your wrongs when possible.
Make a list of every past behavior that is weighing on you, write it out in detail.
Read this list out loud to your therapist or someone who is non-judgmental, non-advice giving, someone to simply witness.
Apologize through a letter or in person when appropriate.
This is adapting the ammends process from AA. One things that AA offering through the 12 Steps is a way to alleviate shame. People who struggle with addiction and substance abuse issues struggle with shame, they almost go hand-in-hand.
7. Practice Self Compassion. And Repeat.
Maybe saying to yourself, “people who are hurting, hurt other people, I’m no different.” There are multiple sides to every story, try to see your behavior through a different lens. What unmet need was I trying to fulfill?
What would your best friend say to you?
Think of someone who has a nurturing presence toward you- What would this person say to you?
Imagine yourself as a younger version of yourself, see yourself doing something you love and connect with this part
8. Practice Loving Kindness Meditation
To first cultivate kindness for others and then for self. Google it. Put the work in. You will need to take action to help yourself. Self-Compassion is key when working with or through shame.
9. Make a small, daily commitment to yourself and keep it.
This could be writing five things down, daily, that you do well. This could be taking a 20 minute walk at lunch time. This could be texting one person daily telling them what you love about them. Practice cultivating positive feelings. Yep, for some of us, we have to practice feeling good, me included!
10. Give yourself the gift of self-forgiveness.
This is the last one on the list because it can be hard. People may feel adverse to forgiving themselves because they are “getting something by holding.” They may want to hold on to shame to avoid similar circumstances in the future or maybe as a form of self-punishment. So the first step is the reflect and question, “What am I gaining by holding on to this critical thought of myself?”
Next, write a list of your actions that felt like acts of self-betrayal. Read this list aloud to yourself and after each one, say, “and I love and accept myself fully.” For example, “ I had sex with that person and I did not want it and I love and accept myself fully.” “I struggle with calming myself down and I love and accept myself fully.” “I spend money compulsively and I love and accept myself fully.” “I overeat and I love and accept myself fully.” “I have anxiety over my health condition and I love and accept myself fully.”
If may feel awkward at first and that is completely normal when we are creating new neural pathways. Our minds get in thinking grooves and habitual mental patterns. The goal is to get our minds in thinking grooves that actually uplift us rather than tear us down. Ultimately, leading us to making more authentic and heart-centered choices in life.
“Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way, ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future.”
Not only is shame covert in identifying, it can be very challenging to face especially when it is tethered to painful experiences from the past (which it often is). If this article resonates with you or you want support moving through your own shame, don’t hesitate to reach out! Getting started is easy and feeling better is absolutely possible!!