Anatomy of A Codependent Relationship: 9 Steps to Break Free
In this article, I will discuss the dynamics of codependency and address nine goals to start moving toward healthier behaviors to liberate yourself. If you find yourself on this page, you may be questioning a specific relationship in your life.
Feeling overburdened by a relationship in your life? You might be dealing with some codependency issues…
Often codependency is found in people who have a loved one who is actively addicted to drugs/alcohol, who have a loved one suffering from mental health issues or also can be passed down through family systems, typically through people impacted by addiction or trauma.
Codependency is defined as the excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction.
Codependency goes beyond being overly dependent on someone; it’s a loss of one's sense of identity to another person. And of course, there are different levels of severity. The anatomy of a codependent relationship includes a partner who has attached their self-worth and self-esteem to another person. For instance, a codependent person may plan their life around pleasing the other person to no avail. They make sacrifices to accommodate their partner and can have a "martyr" mentality because they are always putting themselves out for others, sometimes without even being asked.
Someone with codependency issues finds their sense of self-worth and value from "helping" their partner or loved ones. I put helping in quotation marks because a person with codependency issues thinks they are so loving when, in reality, they are crippling their partner or child. This person often becomes an enabler because their identity is deeply intertwined with "helping" their partner or loved one, not knowing that they are unconsciously benefiting through their role in this toxic dynamic. It is often detrimental to all parties involved. A person with codependent tendencies often focuses outward, to other's needs rather than focusing on themselves and how to care for themselves. The codependent partner will put their partner's needs above their own and often neglect their own life.
You might be codependent if….
You are in a close relationship with a person who is suffering from addictive behaviors or chronic illness.
You are overly agreeable.
You don't tell people your actual preferences. "Pizza or Sushi?" "Doesn't matter to me…you choose!”
You constantly look to others to inform your decisions.
Your physical, emotional, or financial health is negatively impacted by a toxic person in your life, and you continue to interact with them in destructive ways.
You "track" your loved ones to glean insight into how they are doing so you can act accordingly.
You are afraid to upset your loved one and find that you are walking on eggshells.
You give outside your means and then find yourself resentful.
You overly give and feel "owed" by your loved one.
You are afraid to say "No" in multiple areas of your life (work, family, friends, neighbors)
You have a tendency to get walked on or taken advantage of.
If your mood is dependent on the mood of your loved one.
You often anticipate other’s needs.
You are highly tuned in to non-verbal cues and micro-expressions.
In healthy relationships, there is interdependence: a close personal relationship that provides support where both people have a sense of self outside each other. They may share interests and social groups, but they also have independent interests and social groups. In healthy relationships, boundaries exist, are respected and encouraged. An example of a boundary would be saying “No.” "No, I am not able to help you out with a ride. However, I can pass along the bus schedule to you." "I understand you need the money and I don't not extra funds right now. Let me know if you want to support applying for a second job." "Please don't speak to me in that tone. If you want to have a conversation, you can call me back when you are calm."
How to break out of codependency:
Get curious: The first step is to get interested. Does this article resonate with me? Do I find myself drained and resentful of my loved one to whom to give unconditionally to? Am I taking care of myself? Am I giving at a rate that is depleting me either physically, emotionally, or financially?
Look at past trauma. What was modeled to you in your family dynamic? Can you see yourself in a relationship in which you sacrifice your own health and well-being for someone who is seemingly indifferent, incapable of noticing or emotionally unavailable? Also, this behavior could be a way of masking deep painful feelings, changing your behavior may mean facing your pain, fear, sadness, helplessness, and/or grief regarding your relationships/ family relationships.
Practice Self Care: Have neglected your self-care practices? It is possible that you have linked yourself and your emotions to those of your partner or loved one? It is time to find things that soothe your soul. Exercise, healthy eating, long baths, reading a good book, spending time with friends. It may take time, but a daily, small promise to redirect your focus to yourself will help you get started. This is not selfish, but it is imperative. Your life depends on it. We cannot pour from an empty cup. What activities can help you fill your cup?
Set Healthy Boundaries: We teach people how to treat us. When we lack healthy boundaries, certain people will walk all over us. Often, we lack boundaries because we do not believe we are worthy, or we do not want to rock the boat. Setting boundaries lets other people know what is okay and what is not okay. If we do not set healthy boundaries or correct people, they do not know when they are stepping out of bounds. Having limits and letting them be known protect your time, your space, your mental well-being, your money, etc. Feeling resentful? Might be a boundary issue-
Self-examination: What are the underlying beliefs around your codependent behaviors? What are you afraid of in stating your preferences or saying no? When you begin to shift your actions, these fears will become pronounced, and you will need to soothe yourself. Changing the behaviors will be uncomfortable, plan for that.
Find you why? Why do you want to change? Is it because you don't want to go down with the sinking ship that is your sick loved one? Or because you have a health condition that depends on your reducing the stress in your life? Whatever the reason, get rooted in your WHY, you will need to revisit your why OVER and OVER.
Get help: Sometimes it is hard to see the soup when we are swimming in it. Professional counseling can be helpful, especially if the person is skilled with addiction/ substance abuse issues. Another resource is "Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie (Yep codependency is a controlling behavior!)
Make a small, daily commitment to change. Take three breaks throughout the day in check-in with yourself, to practice focusing on yourself. When we want to change patterns, we have the practice, practice, practice. Three times throughout the day, start with taking a few deep breaths and connect with your breath, body, and mind. Get quiet, ask yourself, "What's going on with me today?" "What's my mood?" "What am I needing?" What do I want today?" In the beginning, it may not be apparent, give yourself time, and be compassionate with yourself!!! We all do the best we can with what we've got at the time!
Keep your eyes on your own paper! Just like in middle school- It may be tempting or seductive to want to engage with family drama or chaos. Resist the urge!!! Stay focused on yourself and let others take care of their own interpersonal challenges, financial issues and consequences of their actions!
Talk to a loved one about the changes you want to make, commit to small, daily check-ins, practice stating your preferences with a trusted friend. Call for an online session if you want more support!