Group Therapy: The Good Enough Mother

When entering the therapeutic space, the only thing we need to bring is ourselves - but what does that actually mean? Showing up “as we are” can be quite an intimidating and vulnerable experience, and who that is may even change within the context of our environment. At the same time, getting to know who we are can also be exhilarating, as we unearth our greatness and reclaim our power. So how can we identify this person, especially in the presence of others?

For 30 years, Dr. Donald Winnicott studied this exact notion through the lens of psychoanalysis, a theory initially developed by Sigmund Freud that focuses on

the interplay between the conscious and unconscious parts of the human experience.

Working both as a clinician in private practice and as a child pediatrician, Winnicott utilized this psychoanalytic foundation to highlight how the relationship between infant and parent greatly influences the ways one shows up in the world. Since babies rely on their caretakers to keep them alive by meeting all of their physical and emotional needs, Winnicott proposed an inevitable identification of self as an intertwined extension of them. In an unconscious effort to separate themselves as autonomous, the infant will relate to and connect with various objects in their environment. To be able to do so, it is important that their primary caretaker facilitates safe conditions for that exploration. Winnicott coined the term

“holding environment”, and noted that it must include empathy and love, so that one has the freedom to express and immerge their “truest” selves.

To him, one’s fullest self embodies feelings of joy, vivacity and inspiration. If a parent is not sensitive to or aware of this task, one will develop a“false self” - inauthentic and protective in nature, and often out of our control and awareness. To him, this inaccurate version of self may embody feelings of loneliness, misunderstanding, and confusion.

So how do we circle back to find our “true” selves as adults if we have been dropped by our caretakers? How can we let our walls down and feel safe to try again? In addition to the ideas above, Winnicott also made the argument for and coined the term “good enough mother”, which calls for grace for the imperfect human being. It is okay to make mistakes, so long as you are consistently putting in the effort and succeeding most of the time. The opportunity for this balance may even be seen as beneficial, in that infants are able to feel seen and heard, while simultaneously learning to navigate frustration tolerance. Doing our very best with the tools we currently have at our disposal is just about all we can do, and that is okay!

Through relationship, who we are is formed. Through relationship, who we are is also healed. This is why group therapy is a wonderful place to learn to open our hearts to the world again. It provides us with real time opportunities to understand our relational dynamics in a safe environment that you can count on being maintained by the therapist. Additionally, you are not alone. The people around you also want to feel better and are working on exploring their own thoughts, feelings and actions.