Helping Versus Enabling: What is the Difference?

Watching a loved one struggle is tremendously hard. It is natural to want to help someone who is in need.  However, both the helper and the enabler tend to have good intentions so what’s the big deal?  Let’s check out the difference so you know if you are helping or hurting your loved one.  

helping-vs-enabling-addiction


Often times when we have a loved one who struggles with an addiction or with a health condition (physical or mental) we are desperate to help them.  Depending on the severity of their problem, there may be little we can actually do.  The goal of the article is to highlight the difference between enabling and helping so that you can know that you are not hindering your loved one further (enabling.) I will also provide 5 steps to stop enabling your addicted family member.  


Helping is assisting your loved one to do something that they are incapable of doing themselves, things that help them gain control of their behaviors and of their life (empowering them.)  Enabling keeps someone from dealing with the natural consequences (often negative) of their actions giving the impression that their behavior is acceptable.  


Enabling behavior is seen as “helping” to the enabler who is often trying to solve the problems of their struggling loved one.  Although it may feel good to the enabler, it is actually hurting your loved one because you are either making it easier for them to stay stuck or reinforcing the negative behavior. An example of enabling behavior would be taking over a loved one’s responsibilities that they are neglecting due to drug or alcohol abuse.  For instance, picking up kids from school when your loved is drunk, buying groceries or paying overdue bills are all examples of enabling because they disrupt natural consequences.


We all make choices and choices have consequences. When you intervene to soften the blow of natural consequences you are actually doing a disservice to your loved one. This is SUCH a difficult situation to be in. As parents especially, watching your adult child suffer the consequences of their addictive behavior can be excruciating and it may even see impossible to not intervene especially if you have grandchildren who are also impacted by a loved one’s using. It is not easy but your loved one’s life depends on it. Pain is the ultimate motivator for change so the longer you protect your adult child from pain, the longer the whole family suffers. Think about it-


ARE YOU EMPOWERING OR ENABLING?

According to the book titled: Changing for Good: A Revolutionary Six-Stage Program For Overcoming Bad Habits and Moving Your Life Positively Forward, the authors John C. Norcross, James O. Prochaska and Carlo C. DiClemente indicate the distinction between helping versus enabling- 

  • Helpers address specific disruptive and unproductive behaviors while enablers avoid discussions and confrontations 

  • Helpers ensure that negative behaviors are followed by a consistent consequence while enablers try to soften the consequences of events 

  • Helpers communicate clear behavior change expectations while enablers avoid or do so indirectly. 

  • Helpers guide their loved ones toward accepting responsibility while enablers make excuses for destructive, toxic behavior.  


YOU MAY BE ENABLING IF:

You have lied to cover for your loved one. 

You avoid conflict attempting to “keep the peace.” 

You have difficulty expressing your emotions. 

You are in denial about the seriousness of your loved one’s addiction. 

You take on the responsibilities of your loved one. 

You come to the rescue of your loved one. 

You go to extreme lengths to protect your loved one from pain. 

You financially support your adult child. 

You keep “giving it one more chance” thinking your loved one’s behavior will change.  


WANT TO STOP ENABLING AND SHIFT INTO THE EMPOWERED HELPER ROLE?

  1. Review the qualities of a helper, practice and reinforce helper traits. 

  2. Believe that your loved one CAN make the changes they need to make. 

  3. Keep communication clear, concise and repetitive- send a consistent message ( I am no longer willing to pay for your groceries, however I am willing to financially contribute to rehab-)

  4. Talk to your loved one directly when they are sober about your concerns, your boundaries, and what you are and are not willing to do.  

  5. Ask yourself: 

    Is this empowering my loved one? 

    Am I attempting to soften the consequences of their choices? 

    Am I doing something for them they need to be doing for themselves?  

    Am I taking on my loved one’s responsibilities that making easier for them to continue addictive behaviors? 

  6. Go easy on yourself and give yourself compassion. We all do the best with the knowledge we have at the time. Make baby steps, change takes time.

Check my blog post on Codependency to read more about family members/parents in a relationship with a loved one in active addiction.




Loretta Miller