Having Feelings About Having Feelings

And the Power of the Second Thought

Sometimes feelings can be confusing and seemingly illogical.

Can you relate to the experience of being annoyed that you are upset? Or being sad that you are in a bad mood? Or being angry that you actually care you have been ghosted? These are examples of having feelings about having feelings.

Second Dart

In the Buddhist tradition, this is referred to as the "second dart." The first "dart" being the painful experience and the "second dart" our reaction to our feelings. In the ghosted example, the first dart would be feeling sad or rejected and the second dart would be annoyed that we are feeling that way.

Oftentimes, we may not have control over the first dart but the second dart is where we have some say. Same with our thoughts. Our first, automatic thoughts just interject themselves but the next sequential thoughts are where we have some agency.

When we resist our truth we suffer more.

"I don't want to feel this way."
"I don't want to have this or that challenge."
"I don't even want to care."But our attention stays on the problem and the more we resist, the more we engage with what we don't want.

By bringing attention and pause to the second dart (feeling) or second thought, we create an opportunity of choice for ourselves. If we choose to, we can bend our inner narrative (self-talk) to encompass BOTH the challenge AND the growth opportunity.

We can create a BOTH/AND narrative.

"I feel sad about being ghosted AND that is a reflection of them, not my worth."

The nuance in our language is so important here.

"I experience horrible anxiety AND I am learning how to be compassionate with myself."

"I have a tendency to overextend myself AND I am learning how to set realistic expectations with myself."

Second Thought

Another area where we have agency is bringing in conscious, intentional thought. The first thoughts that roll through our mind are mostly automatic and out of our control. But the thoughts that come after those are so important and where we have control and influence. We get a say in want we think, believe, and feel. Cognitive-behavioral therapy shows us that thoughts influence feelings influence behavior. Why not insert some healthier, more balanced thoughts into the mix?

We need to challenge our own ways of thinking. Wasn’t Albert Einstien who said, “we cannot solve our problems with the same thinking that created them”?

Say you want to stop vaping, first you become aware of the thought patterns leading to picking up the vape.

“Vaping helps me calm down.”

“It’s better than smoking.”

There could be a whole host of thoughts and you would challenge and check each one out.

First thought: “Vaping calms be down.”

Example of second thought: “Does it really though?” “It only actually calms down the craving for nicotine, not me.”

First Thought: “It’s better than smoking cigarettes.”

Example of second thought: “It is though? What about the other chemicals in the juice that I am not aware of?”

The point is the expand your thinking around behaviors you want to change and move through the ambivalence about changing.

Going forward the first challenge is to notice and become aware of these concepts. “Am I upset that I’m upset?” (Feelings about feelings.) Become aware of the automatic thoughts by paying close attention to the thinking to moves you closer to the behavior you want to change.

The second part of the challenge, well why do it on your own, there is therapy for that.