Imago Dialogue

Conflict Resolution Technique to Foster Connection and Repair in Relationships

Having trouble getting through conflict with a partner, family member, or colleague? Checkout my rundown of Imago Dialogue to support you in repairing any ruptures in your relationships.

THE WHY

Imago theory shows that 10 % of current conflicts are about the present circumstance and 90% of conflicts arise from a past wound arising in the present. If this is the case, then you and your partner can actually create a relationship that heals wounds from the past with the right skills and mindset.

What the difference between dialogue and discussion?

In a discussion, we might be trying to think about how to respond rather than deeply listening to understand. The dialogue is about creating connection in the relationship and understanding the real source of pain, rather than someone being “right” and the other being “wrong.” In using dialogue for conflict resolution, you can embark on a path of discovery, not only of your partner, but also of yourself.

THE WHAT

Set the Stage (Atmosphere + Mindset)

Safety

Make an agreement with your partner to not blame, shame, or criticize.

Talk about your own feelings as opposed to your partner’s actions. This may take some practice. Instead of, “you didn’t clean up after yourself.” Try: “I feel angry when I think I am carrying the household load on my own.” Notice the difference between feeling and thoughts here, if you find yourself saying, “I feel like…” then you a probably expressing a thought.

Courage

It can be hard to sit and be present with hard conservation and downright scary sometimes! It means, setting aside all reactions and checking/quelling internal defensiveness in order to listen openly. You are truly trying to listen to and understand your partner’s reality. Each of us has a different perspective and in using the Imago Dialogue for conflict resolution, you temporarily set aside your reality to learn more about your partner’s experience, thoughts, and feelings.

Create the Environment

Consider the set and setting. Make a conscious plan of when and where to talk, ensuring each partner is prepared and ready for the dialogue. Find a quiet place where you and your partner can talk openly and also engage in eye contact.

THE HOW

Ground Rule: One person speaks at a time.
The person talking is the "sender and the person listening is the "receiver." When you are listening (receiving) you have three areas of focus:

Mirroring
Validating
Empathizing

Breaking it down:
Mirroring: When there is a pause in your partner's dialogue, you mirror back to them, paraphrasing what you heard WITHOUT interpreting, responding, critiquing, or changing it.

It may sound like, "Let me see if I'm hearing you correctly,...." Once you have mirrored back and your partner lets you know you heard them correctly, you can say, "Is there more?"

Once the sender confirms there is no more, the receiver will validate. This is where the receiver (the listener) reflects what made sense about what the sender said. "That makes sense, I can see where you might feel or think..."

If there is a part that does not make sense, the receiver could say, "I get why you might feel X, and you help me understand the part about Y."

Next, the receiver will empathize-
The receiver will take a guess at how the sender may feel.
" I can imagine that you might feel...." Try to stay with feeling on this one. The point is to attempt to empathize with the feelings of the sender. Once you try to empathize, check it out. "Is that how you are feeling?"

And then the process reverses. The sender will now become the receiver. When the roles reverse, stay with the same topic until both parties feel complete with the dialogue.

If you want to know more or want guidance with relationship conflict and resolution, please don’t hesitate to reach out!