Have you ever found yourself looking forward to an experience only to have it go completely array? For instance, say you are really looking forward to spending time with someone you love and then they show up 45 minutes late. Instead of having that nice quality time you end up getting in a big fight and going your separate ways. I have been here too.

This is a benefit of noticing emotions, in this case anger (annoyance, frustration.)

Anger can alert us to either a boundary being crossed or having an unmet need.

In this blog, I am addressing having an unmet need.

First let’s get clear on the top six emotional human needs.

Certainty- Feeling a sense of security, safety, and comfort

Variety- Feeling a sense of change, interest, and adventure

Significance- Feeling a sense of uniqueness, individuality and being special

Love and Connection- Feeling a sense of acceptance, belonging, and support

Growth- Having a desire and outlet to learn, grow and evolve

Contribution- Having the desire and an outlet to give to those around us.

Often the needs operate in pairs, and often we search for balance between two. For instance, we search for a balance between certainty and variety or between significance (individuality) and connection.

How to Identify an Emotional Need in the Moment:

Notice distressing feelings arising. This part is essential, sometimes our emotions can move with the intensity of 0mph to 60mph. Awareness is key. Slowing down is key. Dropping into your breath is key.

STOP

AND PAUSE

AND TAKE A BREATH

Ask Yourself:

Am I breathing right now?

What am I really wanting and needing right now?

Reference this list to help. It actually may be a good mental distraction to get on the internet and find this list, to help slow yourself down. Working with unmet needs in the moment may also trigger younger experiences in childhood so it is important to treat yourself as kindly as you would an innocent child or puppy.

In the example of the late-arriving lover, the unmet need may be a need for CERTAINTY. The initial need when setting up to date could have been LOVE AND CONNECTION but due to the circumstance a different need arose in the moment.

EMOTIONS ARE VALUABLE DATA.

We want emotions to inform us, not rule us. This takes AWARENESS.

So your loved one is 45 minutes late. You have stopped and paused and thought about what you are needing in the moment. Here is another choice point, depending on the way you handle it you could have a few different outcomes. 1. You and you partner work through it and spend time connecting 2. You yell at your partner, who leaves and then you spend the night alone 3. You decided it may not be the right fit and break up. Doesn’t mean it won’t happen again in life in a different scenario so start doing things differently today and start rewiring your brain today!

Help yourself get your needs met. This is best done coming from a calm and loving place.

Get yourself regulated (calm) before your partner arrives. See my post how to manage strong emotions. Greet them in a loving manner and pause before addressing their lateness.
Be intentional in bringing it up, spend a little time connecting with them first. (You do want to address it that night.) Explain your experience calmly, and your need your CERTAINTY when it comes to making plans together. How it makes you feel when there is CERTAINTY in the relationship. “Wow, when there is predictability when you are getting together, it makes me more open to connecting with you. I find that when I feel safe in our relationship, I want to be playful with you.”
Make a request. “What I need is when we make a plan, we stick to the plan. If you say you are going to be here at 7 pm, I would appreciate that you show up at 7 pm. And in the future, please text if you are going to be 15-20 minutes late.”
Set a boundary, “if you find that you are going to be more than 25 minutes late, then we will need to reschedule dinner and find a different time to hang out.”

Start small. Make a list of these emotional needs and over the next week when you find yourself annoyed or frustrated check out the list and see if you can identify an unmet. This way we begin to take ownership in getting our emotional needs met and by verbalizing them to your partner, the odds of getting what you need goes way up! Our loved ones can not read our minds after all.

If you want more support with this, click below- I work with folks online as well!

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How to Identify Your Emotional Needs in the Moment and Verbalize Them