Shifting Attachment Style Through Group Therapy
Pioneered by John Bowlby, the concept of “attachment” appears to be cited throughout popular culture today more than ever before. Many of us look at the folks in our lives and jump to inferences about how they were loved as children. And while there is undoubted truth to this notion, are things that simple? Can we change our patterns as we learn and grow? We are all parts of unique family systems that can be described as the organization of individuals into a wholeness that is more than the sum of its parts. Each family has its own dynamics around roles, structure, order, power, and homeostasis. Additionally, members have different intentions for their individual relationships. Early attachment experiences impact the security of our sense of self, the ability to tolerate emotions, and the process of our internal working models. An infant picks all of this up before they even have language, and this set of circumstances can define their perception of safety and understanding of relationships for the rest of their lives. Attachment is a basic need - without it we can’t survive. There is an inborn system wired within us for proximity to and communication with our caregivers, and much to be explored on how this can ebb and flow throughout the lifespan within diverse situations.
All behavior is communication, and everything impacts and is impacted by something else. Think about a baby crying. Why do they do this? As an effective way to let their person know they need to pay attention, and/or take action. In a secure relationship, the adult will respond to the child by making eye contact, providing calming touch, or speaking to them - remembering that tone and modulation are far more important than actual words said. These parents are aligned and attuned, embracing both autonomy and dependence. It’s not that their children never get upset, but that they can be and are soothed. As adults, these humans grow up to create meaningful relationships, set appropriate boundaries, and express empathy towards others. After all, it’s been modeled for them! But what happens when the relationships with our caretakers are less secure? A powerful dance at play leading to anxious attachment styles, including: ambivalent, avoidant, and disorganized/reactive.
In ambivalent relationships, parents are inconsistent and their communication can be combative. As a result, their children may be very anxious and terrified of abandonment (Ex. “If I do this, how will they react?”). Upon entering adulthood, they can display controlling, blaming, erratic, unpredictable, or even charming behavior. In avoidant relationships, parents are unavailable or rejecting. As a result, their children may be distant and independent (Ex. “I’ve been hurt by this before, so I’m cutting myself off”). As adults they can avoid closeness/emotional connection, and may display distant, critical, rigid, indifferent, self-involved, or highly defended behavior. There is also disorganized/reactive attachment, which is a more extreme version caused by trauma. In these situations, parents neglect the child’s needs and are both frightening and abusive. Their children are highly anxious or highly avoidant, and as adults may grow up to crave security yet display insensitive, explosive, untrusting, volatile, or shut down behavior.
Though we can’t control how we are raised, none of this has to be permanent if we don’t want it to be. Moreover, a lot of these qualities may even take us far in life! The good news is that we can learn to “re-parent” ourselves and our children differently. Life is a balance of connection and differentiation that changes daily, and the depths of a secure attachment can be taught if not instinctual to someone. We all possess the resources for growth if we are open to them! There is no such thing as a perfect parent, a perfect human, a perfect anything. We all have our moments, and they can actually be great opportunities to model problem-solving and grace to our youth. A gentle reminder that people are doing the best they can with the tools they have at the time. We can only hope to be “good enough” and learn a little more each day.
Group therapy up-levels relationship skills and satisfaction.
Group therapy is a great place to learn more about your attachment styles. Yes, we embody more than one attachment style depending on the relationship. Group therapy elucidates what draws us in, what repels us, our needs in the moment (often with help from the leaders because this can be challenging) and how to act congruently to get that need met. Once we know that a person or group member is responsive and wants to meet our need, we begin to develop secure attachment.