6 Ways to Support Someone Grieving
We can count on two things in life: change and death. Regarding the latter, American culture is underdeveloped in what to “do” with it. We also differ from other cultures by using “If I die” instead of “When I die.” Our society admires folks who remain stoic in the face of loss, even mislabeling it as a sign of strength. But true strength is connected to authenticity, not not showing our emotions. For those of us on the supporting end, it can be challenging to know what to say, as we don’t want to intrude on or make things worse. Responses to grief will always vary and can be extreme, as emotions ebb and flow. If we aren’t used to the feelings that come up, they can be frightening and overwhelming, whether ours or someone else’s. Well-meaning people often avoid talking about it altogether, ultimately isolating others when they need them most. The truth is that love, sadness, and grief all go hand in hand, and while we can’t take the pain away from someone experiencing a loss, we can provide comfort and support.
So how do we actually do this when someone suffers a loss?
Here are some important things to remember:
Let Them Know You Care - People need to feel seen and heard for what they are going through, and their loss should be acknowledged. Be able to say what is so when it is so. It doesn’t soften things by going indirect, and it’s natural to feel awkward. It’s okay, to be honest about what you’re thinking and feeling; this can open a supportive door for the other person. Saying something like, “I’m not sure what to say, but I want you to know I care,” not only identifies you as honest but also gives them permission to acknowledge their own truth and their own “not knowing.” Grief is fraught is feelings of uncertainty
Offer Your Presence - Don’t let discomfort stop you from reaching out or being with them. They need you now more than ever. Humans are not wired for fierce independence, instead surviving through community. This is why group therapy is especially impactful for grief treatment. Your support and loving presence will help them cope and move along in the adjustment process. Focus on just listening, not what you’re going to say next. Ask them, “How are you feeling today?,” rather than the casual, “How are you?” People grieving need containing, so asking questions that aren’t broad is helpful. Actually, be there for the answer and leave space for their reality. A great version of this could be, “Do you feel like talking? If not, that’s okay, and if so, that’s okay too.”
There is No Right or Wrong Way to Grieve - And there is no timetable. We can’t tell anyone what they “should” or “shouldn’t” feel. No matter what, it will be an unpredictable emotional rollercoaster. “Setbacks” are part of the process, and not so at all. Reassure them that their response is natural and that everyone reacts differently - their situation cannot be compared to anyone else’s. Using the word “break down” is not useful, as crying and having feelings is actually a “break open.”
It’s Not About You - Don’t take their response personally. Grief is emotional, not intellectual. It’s okay to say, “I’ve been through it,” but remember that telling your full story will inevitably shift the focus onto you. Since most of us don’t talk about our grieving processes, some take this as their opportunity to do so when it’s not the appropriate time or place. Instead, you can say, “I’ve experienced loss before, and it was very tender. Is today one of those holy shit days?”
You Don’t Need to “Act Strong,” Nor Do They - Accept all the feelings that come up. Be willing to talk about it with them when they are ready and to sit with them when they’re not. Words are not always necessary. Telling them, “Everything will be okay,” is a promise you can’t actually keep. Another way to say this would be, “We’ll do everything we can to support you.”
The Grieving Process is Complex - It involves new reality, acceptance, pain, and adjustment. Depending on the manner of death, trauma can further complicate grief. Sometimes people feel guilty because of all of the attention they’re getting, so it’s helpful to make statements rather than ask questions. Guilt gives us a false sense of control over an out-of-control situation. Try saying something like, “I’m going to the grocery store. What can I bring back for you?” instead of, “What can I do for you?” This gently invites them to put their needs out there instead of asking directly. Another option could be, “I made you dinner and will bring it over. If you want me to stay, I can, and I can also leave it on your porch if you’d like.” There should never be pressure or expectation associated with your support.
Not actually helpful to say:
“I know how you feel”
“It’s all part of God’s plan or will”
“This too shall pass”
“Look at all you have to be thankful for”
“It could be worse”
“They’re in a better place now”
“Let’s move on”
“Be strong for ___”
“Be grateful you had them for so long”
“They led a full life”
“You should keep busy”
“You should be over it by now”
“Don’t feel that way”
Sometimes we are going to mess up, and that is okay. We are human, and so is the person in grief. The main idea is that you show up, listen, and remind them that their loss will not be forgotten. Sometimes you calming presence is enough, sometimes you don’t need words. But potentially helpful words should be affirming and emotionally attuned (directed toward what they are feeling, not how you would rather them feel.” Like,
“This is awful.”
“What a tragedy.”
“Your dog was so special; there is no replacing him.”
“Sounds like a really disorienting and scary time.”
“You only get one father; no wonder it is so hard to move on.”
Powerful healing can happen in relationship! Group therapy is an amazing tool to begin building muscle to tolerate uncomfortable feelings. Do you know that person who cannot stand an uncomfortable silence? It isn’t the silence they can’t stand but the feeling inside. In group therapy, we explore the feelings behind our impulses and urges. We build a tolerance to sit with our own distress and others, strengthening our emotional and relational skillsets.
With grief, the hardest feelings to be with are helplessness and powerlessness.
You won’t be the only one who will want to do something, but you might be the only one who will do nothing with the person.
If you or someone you know is currently suffering and you are in a caretaking role right now, learn more about how group therapy can help today!