What do Healthy Boundaries Look Like?

Ever find yourself wondering why a relationship is so challenging or why you feel so drained? Or maybe you simply feel as though you are not being heard or feel disrespected in the relationship. To explore how healthy relationships feel, let’s first rule out what healthy relationships are NOT.

Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship:

• There is emotional, physical, or sexual abuse.

• You are unable to express your needs because the other person refuses to listen.

• The other person refuses to meet reasonable requests.

• You feel sad, angry, drained, or disappointed after most interactions.

• The relationship is one-sided; you give and they take.

• There's a lack of trust in the relationship.

• The other person has an addiction that is harmful to you.

What Healthy Boundaries Look Like:

• Being clear on your own values

• Feeling free to communicate that something does or does not feel good to you

• Valuing your own opinion

• Sharing with others appropriately (somewhere between withholding and oversharing)

• Having healthy vulnerability with people who've earned your trust

• Being comfortable saying NO

• Being comfortable hearing NO without taking it personally

Examples of Healthy Boundary Setting:

• Saying no without apologizing because it's the healthiest choice for you at the moment

• Checking in without yourself before saying yes and allowing yourself time to evaluate whether you truly have the capacity for the request.

Let's talk about what boundary-pushing looks like:

• Pushback ("That's not fair.") Have any of those family members who might push a little? “Oh come on, it is only going to take a second…”

• Limit Testing ("I'll just call you tomorrow and see if you can help me then.") These folks think they can change your mind if they just give it a little time.

• Ignoring Boundaries (Acting as if you never said anything.)

• Defensiveness (Accusing you of attacking them or explaining why they did what they did.)

• Ghosting

• Silent Treatment
  

The way to handle these different scenarios can be nuanced but, all follow a similar protocol. First, you have to reiterate the boundary and stand your ground. Less is more. You don’t even need to explain, and sometimes explaining can give folks an “in” to try and work around the boundary. Short and sweet. “Like I said yesterday, I am simply not able to help you move.”

With ghosting and the silent treatment, you can call attention to what you notice. “You seem upset. Can we talk about what I said to you?” Here you may what to expand a bit, “I wasn’t able to help because my plate is full, and I am already overwhelmed.” If they continue with the behavior, remember, it is not about you. Their reaction is about their interpretation of the situation.

Patterns that get in the way of setting healthy boundaries:

• Fear of being mean or rude

• People-pleasing/Codependent Patterns

• Anxiety about how the limit will impact the future of the relationship

• You get your value from helping others

• You project your feelings of being told no into the scenario

If you are afraid of how you will be perceived (rude or mean), you assume how the other will interpret your words. But, your assumption is just that; it is not fact.

And finally, the healthy way to respond to a boundary is ACCEPTANCE and is a sign of a functional, mutual relationship.

"Thank you for letting me know."

Seven Types of Boundaries

Continuing from the previous months' discussion on boundaries, let' talk about the different types of boundaries.

Physical Boundaries- Personal Space- the area around your physical body
Physical touch- your preference regarding touch, depending on comfort level, the nature of the relationship, and the setting.

Sexual Boundaries - Sexual boundaries are agreements about what kind of sexual talk and touch is consensual and appropriate depending on the nature of the relationship and the setting of the contact.

Emotional Boundaries- Choosing (making the conscious choice to talk rather than exploding) to share your feelings gradually, not all at once, when it is appropriate and choosing these confidants wisely.

Material Boundaries- This refers to your material possessions. If you loan people your possessions, if so, for how long? And condition to you expect them to be returned?

Time Boundaries- What you do with your time, how you allow others to use your time, favor requests, and how you structure your free time.

Financial Boundaries- What and how you spend your money and how you don’t spend your money. If someone is financially dependent on you, what are your financial limits?

Where are your boundaries loose and need to be fortified a bit?
Or are the areas of life where your boundaries are rigid and some flexibility is needed?

Setting boundaries and limits with others are challenging everyone. But, if you grew up in a home with someone with addictive behaviors or severe mental health issues, you might recognize a pattern in your life for caretaking others. This dynamic gets more into codependency which is typically a family issue that is passed down.