Healthy Boundaries: The Intro

First off, what would be a sign that a boundary is needed?
Feeling frustrated, taken advantage of, annoyed, or bitter indicate that a boundary is needed. Also, resentment, feeling burnt out, avoiding certain people, or an obligatory relationship are significant signs of a required limit.

How are boundaries helpful?

According to Nedra Glover Tawwab’s book, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself, they create relationships that are loving, clear, healthy, and fulfilling. Some benefits of setting clear boundaries (as known as limits, expectations, or guidelines) are:

• They safeguard against overextending yourself.

• Set clear guidelines of what to expect in the relationship and what actions are acceptable or not acceptable.

• They can free you from unhealthy patterns of anticipating what the other may need or having to stuff parts of yourself down to be what the other person needs.

• Boundaries give way for you to be you, in the relationship and outside the relationship.

  A boundary conveys to others how you want to be treated. For example, "Please knock before coming into my room."

Setting boundaries: 2-Step Process

1. Communication
2. Action

Step 1: Communication
We can not expect someone to anticipate how we want to be treated; we must tell people explicitly. For example, "In the future, please shoot me a text to see when a good time to talk is rather than calling me repeatedly."

Step 2: Action.
Your behavior must uphold your previously verbalize request. (Say the friend repeatedly calls without acknowledgment of your request to coordinate a time that is good for both of you.) Don't pick up the calls. Don't do it. Withstand the impulse. Remember, boundaries are about protecting your time and space. Your preferences are JUST AS IMPORTANT in the relationship as the other persons. When it is a good time for you, ring them back and remind them about your request.

Boundaries and Mental Health

Anxiety

Some common areas of growth for folks suffering from anxiety are setting realistic expectations, getting comfortable, saying no, being assertive, and letting go of people-pleasing behaviors. For example, saying yes when you want to say no. “Sure, I’ll help you move” (Eyeroll*). Often folks with anxiety are afraid of upsetting someone else, being afraid of being mean, or avoiding negative judgment, all of which come at a detrimental cost.

What can you do?

First, identify what is reasonable and doable for you. For example, "Shoot, I have plans on Saturday and am not able to help out.” Or “I could come by at 5 pm and help for 45 minutes.”

With anxiety, it is essential to flush out what a reasonable expectation is. Expectations could come from your family, friends, comparing yourself, or cultural norms.

So before agreeing, buy yourself some time by saying, “Let me check my calendar and get back to you later tonight.”

Then ask yourself:

• Whose standard am I trying to meet?

• What is the worst thing that could happen if I don’t do this?

• Do I have time to commit to this?

• How can I honor my boundaries in this situation?

To combat the fear that comes with setting boundaries, maybe remind yourself: “In healthy relationships, my desires will be acknowledged and accepted.

Depression

For folks who struggle with depression, it is helpful to focus on the small wins and setting realistic expectations. Persistent hopelessness can feel impossible to get out of and is often accompanied by a lack of motivation. So, starting small and not overburdening yourself by setting an unrealistic bar from the start. The goal is each day committing to one small promise to yourself. We set limits and expectations with others and also with ourselves. A small commitment to yourself could be, “I’m going to walk around the block today.” And then may one goal to accomplish over the week, a relational goal or boundary- “When my friends ask where I want to go for lunch, I will share my preference.”

“I would prefer pizza today.”

What do healthy boundaries look like?

• Being clear about how you want and expect to be treated in relationships.

• Having your own back. We are all entitled to own our subjectivity. What feels good to someone else may not feel good to you. If you don't want to talk on the phone daily that is PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE and it would be best to articulate what does feel good in the relationship.

• Having an open dialogue with others about your preferences

• Being comfortable saying No

• Being comfortable with hearing no without taking it personally.

Boundaries can be challenging at first and scary. So start experimenting in a way that feels the most non-threatening. Like, oh, the barista called you Dunch instead of Dutch. Try practicing just reiterating the pronunciation of your name. It’s like building a muscle.